i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
