Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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