obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
