i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
