did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
