i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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