Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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