im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
