he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
