that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
