someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
