I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
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This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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