he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"