hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.