plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
