4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
