did you get engaged???
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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