considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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