What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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