Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
