get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
