I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
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I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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