I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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