He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
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doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
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Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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