The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
