I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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