I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
