marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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