4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
