Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
