what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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