I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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