Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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