you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
