remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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