you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
