and my herpes radar will keep us safe
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
