Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How does it feel to date your dad?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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