I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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