I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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