upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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