I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
