If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
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You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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