break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
