you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
