My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
