Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
