just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
