And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
