I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Everclear isn't food dammit
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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