Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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