I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.