I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places