I heard we made out
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?