I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.