Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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