he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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