he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
