I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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