I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
