I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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