My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You pole danced in your parka.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
